Nothing But Doubt
by Moony3003
Summary: Reid is visiting Hotch at his new apartment and quickly things seem to go downhill. Rated T to be safe. Slash, but nothing graphic.


**Disclaimer: **Nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just borrowing them for my story.

* * *

**Warning: **Story is slash but there's nothing graphic.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Sort ofSequel to 'Only You'.

* * *

Nothing But Doubt

The spaces of Aaron Hotchner's new apartment were normally silent and tonight had been no different. If the walls could ever talk they might ask whether the person living here was really alive. At present though the living room was being occupied by somebody who didn't live here.

The lithe figure of Spencer Reid moved closer to the tall bookcase that sat in the corner. As he waited, his eyes wandered over the smooth edges of it, how everything fit together so neatly. Reid scoffed slightly. If only everything fitted together so easily. As the thoughts of his partner came to mind, he turned to look towards the hallway.

Hotch was currently in the bathroom showering. They had started to talk about something that the older man didn't want to discuss but it was an issue Reid pressed several times with no success. Reid turned his attention back to the bookshelf and wondered if perhaps he should join his boss. They hadn't been together since their last time at the house Hotch used to live at.

A frown appeared across Reid's face as a book caught his attention. The outside of it seemed no different than a few others around it but for some reason it stood out. The spine of the book had heavy creases, indicating that someone had read through it many times. As though he couldn't push the curiosity away, Reid reached out and took a gentle hold of the book before pulling it towards him.

The red cover was faded and showed several scratches across and around the title which read; scrapbook. Reid looked down at his feet as he swallowed dryly. He didn't know why this mattered but he knew what scrapbooks were. It was something he was familiar with himself but he never knew that Hotch was a person who was.

As the feelings of curiosity boiled over, Reid found himself opening to the first page. The discoloured white page only bore two things. A heading and a picture. _Our family. _The picture of was Hotch, Haley and Jack. Reid felt something close to anger course through his veins. He knew it was illogical for him to feel this way but why would he keep it right here, out in the open. Did he mean nothing to him?

But as he turned the page Reid felt a chilly feeling pass through him. The first couple of pages were just Haley. Reid swallowed again, hearing the sound echo through the small apartment. He thumbed a few pages further and finally saw some of Haley and Jack and some of them alone. When Reid reached the back page he felt as though he were holding his breath and his hands shook lightly. There it was. The proof that Hotch had loved someone before he ever came along. Their wedding photo.

"What are you doing?" Hotch's voice was dry and demanding.

Startled, Reid jumped and dropped the book. The thud resonating off the blank white walls. His boss was standing at the doorway, clutching a bottle of wine in one hand, his hair still damp from the shower and his clothes fresh and newly ironed. His eyes had turned dark and accusing.

"I'm sorry," Reid said hastily as he picked the book up off the clean carpet. "I was just looking at what books you had and I noticed it."

"And what gave you the right to look through it?" Hotch asked slowly, trying to keep his voice in check.

Reid put the book back onto the shelf and turned his body to completely face Hotch. He shrugged lightly and shook his head. "I didn't mean to," he said, trying to act like it was nothing.

"You didn't mean to?" Hotch repeated under his breath though audible enough for his subordinate to hear. He walked forwards and placed the bottle of wine on the dining table before taking a few steps closer to Reid, though still leaving several feet between them. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Aaron," Reid said quickly. "It was an accident."

"No, it wasn't," Hotch said, his voice getting a little louder. "You read on the cover what the book was and yet you looked at it anyway."

"I'm sorry," Reid said timidly. "I know I shouldn't have looked at it."

"You're damn right you shouldn't have," snapped Hotch. He paused. "Why did you?"

Reid shrugged and cleared his throat. "I guess I was curious. This is the first time you've invited me here and after last time I thought I'd know where I stood."

"You've been here before..."

"Yes, but not by your invitation,' Reid said quickly. "There's a difference."

"Alright," Hotch whispered under his breath. "You've wanted to talk about something for a while now. So spit it out and let's get this over with."

"Get this over with?" Reid questioned. "You make it sound as though I'm a thorn in your side."

"Look, the scrapbook is a record of what I once had. Surely you can understand that."

"Understand what?" Reid asked with a small frown.

"Keeping records," Hotch clarified.

"Don't," hushed Reid.

"You think I'm not aware but there's nothing you can hide from me," said Hotch as though he didn't hear Reid. "Haley had a problem with it too. She became angry and annoyed at how I knew things I wasn't supposed to know."

"Stop," Reid whispered inaudibly.

"And of course I know about your mother's condition and I know you've been keeping records of your own mental health. You'd recognise the signs..."

"Don't profile me," Reid said sharply, making Hotch stop his flow of words.

"I'm not," Hotch said calmly. "I'm just saying it's something you do that you don't discuss with others. It's only natural."

"I'm not crazy for doing it," said Reid, taking his eyes off his boss, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

"I never said you were." There was another pause. "I think you should leave. We can talk about this later."

"No," said Reid firmly. "You always say that but it never happens. I want to talk about this now."

"Then talk."

Reid jammed both hands into his trouser pockets before walking to stand in front of one of the armchairs. It gave him a better view of Hotch and the apartment. Once again, Reid shrugged lightly, trying to find the words to explain everything he was thinking and feeling.

"I just... I feel like I deserve an answer on what's happening here," Reid started softly. "We've slept together twice and we've spent more time together outside of the office but I still get the feeling that even here, right now, you're not actually here. You want to be somewhere else."

"It was Haley's decision to end things. You just happened to be there," Hotch said quickly.

"You still love her," Reid said tentatively, as though he didn't want to speak those words.

Hotch sighed heavily. "It hasn't been that long and I wasn't the one who ended things," he replied. "I am grateful you were there and I do have feelings for you but I'm not ready to move away from her completely."

"So what are you doing?" Reid asked, his voice breaking on the last syllable.

It broke Hotch's heart. What was he doing? This was a person's feelings he had on the line here. Hotch had to admit, he learnt about Reid's feelings six months before his marriage ended. All he wanted was to ignore it and hope that Reid found a nice guy or girl to focus on instead. Constantly he asked himself how he missed it.

Hotch sighed again, looking down at his feet briefly. He knew he had said too much. He approached Reid but stopped when the younger man backed away.

"Spencer... please..."

"No," Reid said tightly. "Tell me, is this going somewhere or not?"

"I would like it to," Hotch replied.

"No," Reid said loudly, surprising himself. "I don't want a political answer. I want a truthful one. One that you're going to stick to."

"Reid..."

"No!" Reid said, his voice getting louder still. "You cannot jerk me around like this."

"I need time-"

"It seems like that's always going to be your excuse for not getting close to anyone," Reid continued. "I know I've kept my feelings to myself for a while and I know you've always thought of me as nothing but a brainy geek but I have limits too. I respect you as a boss and I want to be able to love you without having to question myself on whether you're head is somewhere else..."

"Reid..."

"I don't like being used, Aaron," Reid continued, not hearing Hotch. "I want to be seen as an equal when we're alone. As someone you're able to trust and be yourself with." Reid stopped for a moment as he felt the tears sting the backs of his eyes. "I've been hurt in the past many times and I don't want you to be another mistake. I don't want you using me."

That statement made Hotch's blood run cold. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and for a brief moment he turned his head to the side, breathing deeply to calm himself down. They both knew each other so well. They knew exactly what to say and so far, Reid was pushing all of the right buttons.

"Spencer," he said slowly, his voice quivering ever so lightly. "Let's get some sleep and we can finish this discussion later."

"Don't fucking patronise me," Reid snapped.

Hotch flinched at Reid's choice of words. It was unusual for the young agent to rile up so quickly but Hotch knew that because it was personal, it was different. Hotch was sure he definitely wasn't in the mood for this tonight.

"I'm not patronising you and I think you should leave. I'm tired of talking about this. It can wait until tomorrow."

"You're going to walk away from me because you're _tired _of it?" Reid said in disbelief and anger. "Just admit that you want nothing personal with me and you're trying to end it subtly so you don't have to deal with this at work."

"It has nothing to do with work..."

"What are you talking about?" Reid said loudly. "Work is your whole life! You practically live there. But I suppose it's always going to mean more to you than anybody ever could."

"Reid," Hotch said firmly. "Do not go there."

"What, truth hurts?" Reid said, speaking rapidly. "I thought Haley had you wrong, that it wasn't all about work, that you tried really hard to spend time with her and see her but it's not true, is it?"

"This stops now."

Hotch's voice was firm and it was a definite direct order. Reid exhaled sharply. "You're not my boss here. Stop ordering me around."

"No, I'm not your boss here," Hotch agreed quietly. "But you are in my apartment and I think you should leave."

Reid turned towards the door and took a couple of steps before stopping. It was obvious he had more to say and Hotch almost held his breath as he waited. He curled his fists into balls, willing the anger coursing through him to leave before things went too far.

"Does nothing but the job hold anything for you? Or has it turned you so cold that you can't see the warm things that surround you..."

Without knowing the reason why and before he realised what he was doing, Hotch strode forwards and grabbed Reid's arms, shoving him against the closed front door with a thud. Reid flinched, thinking that he was about get struck violently. The tears that threatened to fall earlier, spilled down his cheeks rapidly and his bottom lip quivered.

It was then Hotch realised what he was doing. His arm was cocked and his fist tight in a ball. He was about to hit his subordinate. He swallowed hard before bringing the small cowering figure into front of him into his arms.

As Reid sobbed his body shook noticeably. Hotch felt his fingers shake as he stroked Reid's long hair. He had never gotten that angry before, not even with Haley and not even with most unsubs. This wasn't right and he more than knew it. He swallowed hard before moving towards the hallway that led to his bedroom, taking a shaking Reid with him. They both needed some sleep to try and forget that this ever happened.

* * *

As the morning light poured in through the semi-transparent curtain surrounding the window, one of the two bodies on the bed shifted, rolling over to the side and facing the other person. Gently, Hotch reached out and moved a couple of wayward strands of hair off Reid's face. He looked so beautiful when asleep, so at peace.

While looking over the delicate features of Reid's face he remembered last night. When alone together he had never seen Reid so scared by his actions. Sure, he had seen Reid frightened before but this was different. The young doctor was scared by his actions. There had been words said but Hotch knew why Reid said what he said. And he had a point.

In the beginning of his relationship with Haley, things had been easy and smooth. They took their time in getting to know each other, eventually got married, moved in together and had a child but with Reid, there was none of that. They went straight into the physical side of things but Hotch couldn't deny that he wanted it like that but the rest of it, he wasn't sure of at first.

Slowly, Reid's eyes opened and quickly they met the gaze of the dark brown eyes staring back at him. He gave his boss a hesitate smile but he didn't move. Again, Hotch reached out but this time he stroked down the younger man's cheek. He really was beautiful.

"Spencer... I'm sorry about last night," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "I never meant to hurt or frighten you."

The corner of Reid's mouth turned upwards a little more into a faint smile but he remained quiet, just continuing to watch his superior. A soft sigh left Hotch's lips before he continued in the same quiet tone.

"A few things I said I didn't mean," he continued. "I do want this and I do want you, Spencer. I'm sorry to make you feel this way and I'm sorry for what you've had to put up with." Hotch paused. "You were right. My actions towards you have been an unsubtle way of trying to push you away but that's not what I want. My feelings for Haley remain but they're not what they once were. I'm ready to move on and I'm ready for it to be with you."

"Really?" Reid asked in a meek voice.

For Hotch, no more words were needed. He moved closer to Reid and gently, kissed him firmly before deepening the kiss while slowly rolling Reid onto his back. As Hotch broke the kiss, he ran both hands through Reid's messy hair, making the younger man close his eyes and moan at the gentle touch.

When Reid's wide eyes opened again and focused on Hotch, he swallowed nervously. He knew that Hotch meant what he said. He never knew the man to lie about something this serious or about something that really mattered to him. Feeling the courage within him building, Reid licked his lips nervously.

"Make love to me," Reid whispered, his voice barely audible.

A rare smile graced Hotch's lips and his eyes twinkled in the morning sunlight now pouring over them. In answer, Hotch bent down and lightly kissed Reid again before whipping the blankets off them both, granting Reid's request.


End file.
